The art of a soft start-up

It is inevitable that your relationship will have conflict. Expecting a relationship to have no conflict is not realistic! If there is no conflict in your relationship, there is a really good chance one of the parties involved is not speaking up or voicing their concerns about what’s not working. We need to be able to bring concerns up with our partner in order for there to be positive change in the relationship. 

But how do you initiate difficult conversations? 

The way you initiate these conversations; it matters! And it can make a world of a difference in your partner’s ability to hear your concerns, understand your perspective, and work towards a more harmonious resolution. 

There is research that suggests the way an argument begins is similar to how it will end. If the argument begins with criticism, harsh personal attacks, defensiveness or stonewalling, it is likely these will be present throughout the course of the argument, as well as, at the end. 

Think about it for a moment… 

Imagine yourself at work. If a supervisor comes to you with a concern they have about your work and they are immediately harsh, ‘this is the worst thing I have ever seen,” blaming, “clearly you weren’t listening in that last meeting’, or defensive, “you never gave me the proper directions”, how likely will you be to want to continue the conversation? 

When initiating a conversation about a concern with your partner, it is important to avoid the things above. This can be really hard! Especially when this is the normal pattern you have fallen into. This may be how your partner expects conversations with you will go. But, if you bring in criticism, contempt, or defensiveness, there is a good chance the argument will become even more heated. 

When you re-read the statements above you can see how they might immediately encourage you to become defensive, blaming, or critical of the supervisor who is speaking to you. Before you know it, you are in a negative feedback loop, and it is difficult to get out of! 

So how do the relationship masters initiate difficult conversations and concerns with their partner? 

They use something known as a “soft start-up”. 

A soft start-up is a more gentle, caring, and non-blaming initiation about a grievance or a concern. Let’s look at a few examples together. 

Harsh start up: 

“You NEVER clean the kitchen after you make dinner. I am sick and tired of being the only person who seems to care about the mess in our home.” 

In this statement the person is attacking, blaming and criticizing their partner about the mess in the kitchen. As an outsider looking in you might be able to notice that this person is likely feeling frustrated about the mess, and alone in their desire for a cleaner home. 

Now let’s see it with a softer start-up. 

“I really appreciate that you made dinner for us tonight. I also feel a bit frustrated that you didn’t clean the kitchen after. Next time you make dinner, can you please be sure to clean up after.” 

In this example the person is complaining, but there is no blaming. They are letting their partner know how the mess made them feel by using an “I feel” statement, followed by a feeling word. They’ve also given their partner a clear directive about what they would appreciate being different the next time around. No blame, no criticism, and even a thank-you for the dinner being made. 

Let’s look at another example. 

Harsh start-up 

“You NEVER get the kids on time! You are so useless. I can’t rely on you for this one simple thing. What’s next; you forget them altogether?!”

Here we see an all or nothing attack. When extreme language, “always/never” is used, it immediately invites defense from the other person because surely your partner wants to let you know they don’t ALWAYS forget to get the kids on time, sometimes they are on time. The attack of “you are so useless”, is both criticism and contempt. Calling the person a name is going to aggravate their sense of self and immediately put them on the defensive. 

Now let’s see the same grievance shared, in a softer way. 

“I feel disappointed you were late to get the kids again. It is really important to me that I can rely on you to be on time for them. Help me understand why you were late today?” 

Take a moment and notice how it would feel for you to hear this, versus the harsh-start up above. This person has used an “I statement” followed by an actual feeling word. They are claiming that this feeling is their own, rather than using a “you made me feel” statement as is common in harsh start-ups. Their question of, “help me understand why you were late” invites the partner to share more of what might have happened, let’s the other partner know you are there to listen and do want to try to understand what got in the way today, and invites the idea of seeing your partner in a continued positive light. 

When clients of mine are beginning this journey in bringing up grievances about the relationship in a softer way, I often give them a template to use. It looks something like this. 

X - I feel _______  (use a real feeling word here - try to name what it is you are actually feeling)

Y - when _______ (be specific about what happened that led to you feeling that way)

Z - next time OR help me understand (If it is clear what you would hope to be different let them know what you’d appreciate next time. If it is unclear to you what happened and why, ask them to help you understand). 

This might look something like this. 

X  - I felt lonely 

Y - when you didn’t come home when you said you would 

Z - help me understand why you weren’t on time?

OR 

X - I felt jealous

Y - when you kept talking to Sarah at that party  

Z - next time when we go out can you check-in with me a little more 

OR 

X - I feel annoyed 

Y - when I’m the only person getting up with the kids on the weekends 

Z - help me understand why you didn’t stick to what we agreed to?

Of course, there is more to be discussed on this topic than we can really achieve through a blog post. There is a role your partner has to play in receiving your soft start-up, and a way of moving through whatever is in the way of them getting the message and actually showing up in the way you need. These are things we can absolutely work more on in a couples therapy setting. 

If you would like to meet together to see if I might be able to help you and your partner move through conflict towards more harmony in your relationship, feel free to book an introductory conversation or send me an email at hello@lararabb.com. I would love to hear from you. 

Take good care, 

Lara